Cosmo and tips for meeting men

You know what the worst thing is about this post, titled “The Best Places to Meet Guys that Cosmo Won’t Tell You About”? It’s that I’m pretty sure Cosmo actually has given some of these places out as ridiculous suggestions on where to meet men.

The Men’s department of a clothing shop? Yeah, I guarantee you that Cosmo has offered up this tip. I would put money on it. I can hear it in my head now; they would suggest going into the men’s department to buy something (socks/tie) as a birthday present for your male relative (brother/dad/grandfather), and if you spy a hottie across the pyramids of folded shirts you should grab the oppourtunity and ask for his advice in picking something out. “Sorry to ask, but I’m trying to buy a tie for my Dad and I was wondering if this is a bit garish for a guy to wear. What do you think?”. Then the Cosmo writer would have ‘jokingly’ said “or be bold and say to that cutie ‘hey, you’re about the same build as my brother; would you mind trying on this shirt I’m thinking of buying him?’ “. I am positive Cosmo has suggested you trawl the menswear section for guys.

I don’t think they have suggested a Horseback Lion Hunting Safari; however, I do imagine they would advise that during an activity you choose to undertake that you should always be vigilant for new and exciting men, and take any chance you get to pretend not to know how to work a piece of equipment/do a particular task so that you can ask this mysterious new man to show you how. Preferably by standing behind you with his arms around you and hands over yours to show exactly how to do it correctly.

Meat market #3 that Cosmo isn’t telling you about is Laser Tag. This is a variation on the Go-Kart racing/paintball shooting/touch rugby at the beach tip that Cosmo has most definitely told us about. See, if you take part in a fun and lighhearted physical activity where you get to wrestle with and/or touch your crush, it’s a win. Especially if it’s an activity where you get to show people that you’re “one of the guys”/a “guy’s girl” (because then you are low maintenance and spontaneous and casual, not like one of those prissy girly girls). And Cosmo would tell you not to be scared of whoopin’ his butt, because this would totally be a turn on to a guy: a lady who can be kick-ass at a man’s game? Mind. Blown.

#4: Emergency Zombie Defense Station. If this was a real and common thing, Cosmo would tell you to pick up guys there. The only reason they haven’t given this tip is the constraints of reality (which is a rarity for Cosmo…).

#5: The Emergency Room. I doubt Cosmo has ever actively encouraged readers to meet guys here, but I bet there has been at least one gushing piece about a couple who did actually meet in an emergency room, and who are now married. Also, Cosmo would probably tell you to always be on the lookout for potential Mr Right, even when bleeding from an open wound or accompanying someone else who is. Cosmo’s mandate is to make sure you don’t let any oppourtunity escape because maybe that guy you didn’t talk to was actually The One, and now you will die miserable and alone.

#6: Planned Parenthood. I guarantee that Cosmo has touted doctor’s waiting rooms as a fertile hotspot for man hunting. I guarantee it. And it would be perfect, because you could come back out of your doctor’s appointment with your giant box of subsidized condoms and your clean bill of health, and just cut to the chase.

#7: Ski lift in the Austrian Alps. I don’t think Cosmo would be so specific, but it would totally tell you that if you spy a cute guy in line for the chairlift, try to get in there next to him. In fact, it probably already has told you this.

#8: Space Camp. Also a bit too specific for Cosmo’s general style. But the general theme of encouraging you to do a “guy activity” where the ratio of men to women is in favour of single women? Classic Cosmo.

#9: School (your child’s school). I would bet that Cosmo has also suggested this tip; either seriously, or in a “just joking people! (but actually I’m not really!)”.

The lesson? Nothing is too low for Cosmo. No place too ridiculous when it comes to looking for guys. These places that have probably never been thought of before as pick-up spots? Cosmo has almost certainly been there. Cosmo has been everywhere, and has no concept of “too far”, or “too absurd”. Need proof? Read an issue; at the the risk of your own sanity, of course.

4 Comments

  1. Katherine says:

    I realise the point of their articles (and the target of your mocking) is that if you are not ever alert for a potential mate, you will die alone and be eaten by your pets (yes, even if you have fish). But the tips about picking up an activity where the ratios are good is good advice, provided that you don’t mind dating someone with that interest. And provided that you can find someone who won’t either a) condescend to you if you are bad at it and blame it on your ladyparts rather than your lack of experience, or b) get all pissy and feel threatened (or actively sabotage you) when you are better than them at it.

    • steph says:

      Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with taking up a new interest, I guess I just find it a bit off-putting when Cosmo gets so single-minded, ‘find a mate’ about it. Mostly because it usually involves pretending to like the activity, and I don’t really think you should have to do something you don’t like but pretend to like it.

  2. Katherine says:

    I never did dare to read Cosmo, even a little bit.

    • steph says:

      It’s quite hilarious and terrifying to read it when you’re aware of how weird it is. I remember reading it when i was younger and not really getting how silly it all was (luckily not trying out any of the sex tips or anything, though).