Cosmo? Is that you?

Cosmo and tips for meeting men

Posted in advice, Cosmo? Is that you? on October 12th, 2010 by steph – 4 Comments

You know what the worst thing is about this post, titled “The Best Places to Meet Guys that Cosmo Won’t Tell You About”? It’s that I’m pretty sure Cosmo actually has given some of these places out as ridiculous suggestions on where to meet men.

The Men’s department of a clothing shop? Yeah, I guarantee you that Cosmo has offered up this tip. I would put money on it. I can hear it in my head now; they would suggest going into the men’s department to buy something (socks/tie) as a birthday present for your male relative (brother/dad/grandfather), and if you spy a hottie across the pyramids of folded shirts you should grab the oppourtunity and ask for his advice in picking something out. “Sorry to ask, but I’m trying to buy a tie for my Dad and I was wondering if this is a bit garish for a guy to wear. What do you think?”. Then the Cosmo writer would have ‘jokingly’ said “or be bold and say to that cutie ‘hey, you’re about the same build as my brother; would you mind trying on this shirt I’m thinking of buying him?’ “. I am positive Cosmo has suggested you trawl the menswear section for guys.

I don’t think they have suggested a Horseback Lion Hunting Safari; however, I do imagine they would advise that during an activity you choose to undertake that you should always be vigilant for new and exciting men, and take any chance you get to pretend not to know how to work a piece of equipment/do a particular task so that you can ask this mysterious new man to show you how. Preferably by standing behind you with his arms around you and hands over yours to show exactly how to do it correctly.

Meat market #3 that Cosmo isn’t telling you about is Laser Tag. This is a variation on the Go-Kart racing/paintball shooting/touch rugby at the beach tip that Cosmo has most definitely told us about. See, if you take part in a fun and lighhearted physical activity where you get to wrestle with and/or touch your crush, it’s a win. Especially if it’s an activity where you get to show people that you’re “one of the guys”/a “guy’s girl” (because then you are low maintenance and spontaneous and casual, not like one of those prissy girly girls). And Cosmo would tell you not to be scared of whoopin’ his butt, because this would totally be a turn on to a guy: a lady who can be kick-ass at a man’s game? Mind. Blown.

#4: Emergency Zombie Defense Station. If this was a real and common thing, Cosmo would tell you to pick up guys there. The only reason they haven’t given this tip is the constraints of reality (which is a rarity for Cosmo…).

#5: The Emergency Room. I doubt Cosmo has ever actively encouraged readers to meet guys here, but I bet there has been at least one gushing piece about a couple who did actually meet in an emergency room, and who are now married. Also, Cosmo would probably tell you to always be on the lookout for potential Mr Right, even when bleeding from an open wound or accompanying someone else who is. Cosmo’s mandate is to make sure you don’t let any oppourtunity escape because maybe that guy you didn’t talk to was actually The One, and now you will die miserable and alone.

#6: Planned Parenthood. I guarantee that Cosmo has touted doctor’s waiting rooms as a fertile hotspot for man hunting. I guarantee it. And it would be perfect, because you could come back out of your doctor’s appointment with your giant box of subsidized condoms and your clean bill of health, and just cut to the chase.

#7: Ski lift in the Austrian Alps. I don’t think Cosmo would be so specific, but it would totally tell you that if you spy a cute guy in line for the chairlift, try to get in there next to him. In fact, it probably already has told you this.

#8: Space Camp. Also a bit too specific for Cosmo’s general style. But the general theme of encouraging you to do a “guy activity” where the ratio of men to women is in favour of single women? Classic Cosmo.

#9: School (your child’s school). I would bet that Cosmo has also suggested this tip; either seriously, or in a “just joking people! (but actually I’m not really!)”.

The lesson? Nothing is too low for Cosmo. No place too ridiculous when it comes to looking for guys. These places that have probably never been thought of before as pick-up spots? Cosmo has almost certainly been there. Cosmo has been everywhere, and has no concept of “too far”, or “too absurd”. Need proof? Read an issue; at the the risk of your own sanity, of course.

I normally just caress the wine bottle when I’m eating dinner with a dude

Posted in Cosmo? Is that you?, sexxxxy, The Frisky on August 20th, 2010 by steph – 5 Comments

Generally I quite enjoy The Frisky; it’s fun, and picks up on feminist issues that I see on other feminist blogs/sites that I read. However, I was a bit underwhelmed by a post last week on ‘How to Eat Sexy’. In case you are curious, how you do this is:

1. Eat small bites, because it makes your lips look bigger

2. Choose foods that are good to eat with your fingers (strawberries, grapes, chocolate) because this brings another sensory element into play.

3. Make eye contact, so the person you’re with knows you want him in your mouth like the piece of food you are eating.

4. Let the food linger on your lips, savouring it.

5. Share your food with him.

6. Keep a napkin handy, so if you make a mess doing a sexy food move you can clean up like a lady.

7. “Food For Thought. You don’t need a banana, lollipop or any other kind of food phallus to make it hot. And sometimes those items are a little too obvious. I would argue that regular, everyday food is better. It’s more of a surprise than the pressure of “I’m licking this to turn you on.”  When it comes to eating seductively, it’s all you. You can make anything, including any food, sexy”.

8. “Swallow”. Make sure you chew and especially swallow. There’s a lot in the swallow; don’t try to hide it. No turtlenecks allowed”

9. No slurping, burping, or making noise, even when sipping wine.

10. “Look like you’re enjoying it. Duh. Although, taking it to the whole ‘When Harry Met Sally’ sandwich level is too far. Stay cool”

As one of the commentors on the article said,

When I started reading The Frisky, it made fun of Cosmo. Now, it IS Cosmo. What the f**k happened, Frisky???

My thoughts exactly. I don’t pretend to believe that The Frisky is super heavy, all the time serious stuff, but this is more Cosmo than I have come to expect. Look like you’re enjoying it? What about ‘if the food is good, feel free to express your enjoyment visibly’ ?